I imagine some of you think any sex discussed by a woman my age is kinky. I can hear it from the cheap seats now: No! You’re too fucking old to talk about fucking!

But it is a fact of life. Sex is one of those things that, if you’re going to be a writer, you’re probably going to write about. After all, write what you know, right? Hehe.

I admit I’ve done some freelancing for my friend’s shady magazine. I sent him articles entitled, Don’t be a Boob About Breasts, Bad in Bed, and What You Can Learn from Girls with Nothing to Hide. But my tongue was so far in my cheek that I still have the bruise.

The stuff I’m doing now, well, I want it to sound real. And that is embarrassing to write. Your client or your sister-in-law might read it.

The last writer’s conference I went to even had a workshop in how to write about sex. Unfortunately I missed it. I imagine the instructor gave hints like, “Eat a dozen oysters, turn the lights down low, play soft music, now pound those keys.”

You have to learn to write about things you wouldn’t consider talking about. You begin with a blank screen. From there, probably each of you would develop your own techique.

• Maybe you would think about George Clooney. Or George Clooney, Clive Owen, and Johnny Depp. At that point, I’d probably have a coronary.

• Maybe you would think about a scene from a movie that really turned you on, and you’d just start writing. Kind of a screen play in reverse.

• Maybe you would think about the wild evening you had last night.

I myself begin by thinking about the location. If I know that my character is in a hotel vs her home, the shower vs the bathtub, a leather car seat vs an overstuffed sofa, a meadow vs the beach, then I guess that establishes the mood as well as the mode. Location becomes sound, scent and action. Of course, the location is never England where even the floors are uncomfortable.

It’s actually kind of fun. When you’re writing about it, everybody there can be having a good time. Nobody has bad breath or rug burns or flabby abs.

Go ahead. Give it a try. Just turn down the lights and the music, then pound those keys. You can skip the oysters if you want to.