Before corporate America had Human Resources, we had Personnel. I’m sure there must be a difference.

Personnel people were to people as military music is to music. Rules were not made to be broken; that might bend the sticks up their butts. So, of course, this band of merrymakers was in charge of employee morale.

In one Chicago company where I worked, we had split ourselves into two equal factions; we disliked each other, but it was OK — it was real left brain, right brain stuff so we mostly avoided crossing paths. However, Personnel – who apparently had never heard the phrases leave well enough alone or familiarity breeds contempt – planned an outing to bring us all together.

They decided on a yacht party on Lake Michigan. Here’s how it worked: get people who dislike each other, offer them all the liquor they can drink, then squeeze them together in a tiny rolling space that they cannot possibly leave. As any fool except those in Personnel would know, the very best you could hope for is a group vomit.

No one actually drowned that night, but epithets were slung that still make me blush since I was the one slinging them. Fortunately, the boat was not tricked out with harpoons or grapeshot. The next morning, we no longer disliked each other. We loathed each other. Another Personnel success story.

Personnel drones infested our social services as well as our corporations. These wizards made up motivational phrases to help employees through cutbacks that had their co-workers’ heads rolling down the aisles. My sister, a mental health worker, was told “Don’t work harder … work smarter!” when the other counselors were lobbed off. And when housing was no longer available for destitute families, she was advised to tell them “Never a door closes, but another opens.” That’s bound to make them feel hope for tomorrow while their babies go hungry today. Sis opted for early retirement.

The aides at the nursing home were given pens and notepads with the slogan Attitude is Everything! The noose you see here was attached by one of those uplifted aides.

Here’s my guess. People don’t come to work to party or get patronizing presents or wear WIN buttons. They come to work to work. If employers feel a need to give them something, I suggest a raise. Or a bonus. Or a day off. Or a thank you. But I’m betting Human Resources people have figured this out … and that’s why they’re no longer Personnel.

Got any Employee Morale stories to share here on the back nine?