The ms Statendam didn’t exactly sail with the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria, but she is not one of Holland America’s newer ships. She is also smaller than the goliaths being launched these days; I understand the new Carnival ships hold 4,000 passengers. That’s twice the size of my home town.

Size does matter. With fewer passengers, assholes stand out quickly, so you know who to avoid early on. On the downside, smaller ships buck more which is fair warning to those who suffer mal de mer. Age counts, too. You miss gala amenities such as the rock wall on older ships, but you can still promenade on the promenade deck; it hasn’t been chopped up into private balconies.

The old girl is looking a bit tawdry here and there; the woodwork is scuffed and the theatre seats are butt sprung. But the lounges and dining room are lovely, and the staterooms have a simple elegance that can’t be matched by modular cabins built elsewhere and dropped into place.

Everybody knows that staterooms are space-challenged whether the ship is big or small. Our bathroom is better than most, measuring a luxurious 4-foot square. If you drop the soap in the shower, you don’t need to step out in order to pick it up. And you no longer need worry about being sealed to the seat of the power suction toilet; these days you can’t flush while you’re sitting. This modernization has ruined routines for scores of shipboard comedians.

You are requested to reuse towels if you care about the environment. On the other hand, if you observe your ship dumping suspicious liquids after midnight off the poop deck, you are requested to dial 1-800-FUCKOFF. And keep in mind that unexplained guest disappearance from cruise ships is an under-reported phenomenon.

While ship designers have saved your ass from the bathroom fixtures, your noggin not so much. Our main shelf is immediately above the sink so if you, say, wanted to splash cold water on your face, you could crack your head good and hard, causing spillage of your ointments and lotions, and resulting in a goose egg for the remainder of the cruise.

I understand this happened to someone. But I’m not naming names here on the back nine.