Violation

This is an ugly story.

James owned a business that supplied a product to consultants like me. Our companies are across the nation from each other so we have never met face-to-face. But we’ve talked/emailed every week for three years.

He was good at his job, and I like him. He’s funny in an off-beat sort of way. For instance, one morning I called to be sure he was prepared for the hurricane bearing down on his state. He assured me he had gotten fresh bagels and cream cheese that very morning. I knew James had a family and kidney stones; he knew my husband was ill. But this was basically a business relationship and we mostly just worked.

In December of 2006, James disappeared. He stopped returning calls or emails. Eventually, I received a call from Bill, a man in the same business who had once worked with James. He told me James was sick and that his wife was closing the company; Bill was settling outstanding business for her.

I asked Bill about him every so often over the next four months, but heard little more. Until this week when I asked, “Do you hear anything about James?” After a pause, Bill said, “He’s incarcerated.” And then the story tumbled out like nickels from a slot machine.

In December, James was caught in a federal sting operation aimed at online pornographers doing business across state lines, particularly those involving children. James had posted pictures of himself violating one of his daughters; the girls are age 6 and 8.

He is being held without bail, arranging for a plea bargain. There is apparently no chance that he didn’t do the crime. His wife, seemingly an innocent, goes on, trying to keep her own executive job, managing the closing of his company, and protecting her babies now that the horse is out of the barn. She has chosen to stand by her man; the prison has chosen to put James on a suicide watch.

Everyone has been violated in this story. The children, certainly. A mother and wife whose life is destroyed. Bill, helping the family of a co-worker he once trusted and now holds in contempt.

As for me, I am struggling with condemning this man whom I liked. It’s the most awful of deeds. But is he the most awful of men? Is there no forgiveness? I don’t want to deal with these questions.

The worst part is that this is going on in hometowns all across America. What on earth has happened to us? Where have the good guys in the white hats gone?

 

20 Responses to “Violation” »»

  1. Comment by Emily | 04/30/07 at 11:36 am

    I think the white hats are all gray, these days.

  2. Jan
    Comment by Jan | 04/30/07 at 12:11 pm

    We only have a few whte hats left in the world.

    We must protect the babies when we can. At 4 years old I was one of the violated. I’m still angry at guys like this. Ill maybe – garbage definitely.

  3. Comment by Keith | 04/30/07 at 12:25 pm

    Dear Linda,
    Certainly the internet has changed the way information is distributed.

    But it hasn’t changed human nature. The crime James committed is not new. It’s as old as civilization. What is new is that we have changed the way it is treated. 50 years ago it was hidden, shoved under the carpet. Society rarely recognized the crime, and the punishment was slight, if any. I knew of a man, Amish by religion, who was convicted of raping his teen age daughter back in the early 1950′s. He was given 30 days in jail.

    Families did not talk about childhood sexual abuse, and neither did schools. Now children are encouraged to tell about any abusive situation that they find themselves in. And many do. And they lead to arrests and convictions and long sentences.

    Today we have a society that is driven to keep prisons full. The United States has the highest rate of incarceration of any civilized country. Perhaps of any country. So while the stated purpose of incarceration is reformation and rehabilitation, this does not seem to be the purpose. The purpose seems to be one of warehousing individuals who crossed the line and got caught.

    I was talking with a friend about a person who had be jailed on a criminal charge. He said “His crime was getting caught.” This surprised me, but sometimes when I think of that I’m not sure he’s wrong.

    And you are right. Are we a “Christian” nation. It seems to me that the person that religion is named for once said you are to forgive many times. While I don’t either condone or understand James action, when does forgiveness come in?

    So much for my tirade. Many blessings. Keith

  4. Comment by pete | 04/30/07 at 1:21 pm

    Let James God forgive him, I never will. People like him should be put in prison with a sign tattooed to his forehead “I raped my 6 year old daughter, yours is next”. As for the wife, she violated the first law of being a parent – PROTECT YOUR CHILDRED!!!!
    If she wants to “Stand by her man” send her to prison too, the children would be better off. These girls are now scared for life. As to Keith’s friend, does he think James only crime was getting caught? Barretta was right – “If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime,”.
    Nuf said.

  5. Comment by Donna Brubach | 04/30/07 at 1:22 pm

    What I hear is your anguish that someone that you knew, albeit by phone or online, turned out to be someone that you wouldn’t piss on if he was on fire, and you are wondering what possesses people to do the things they do.
    While I don’t have any answers for you, my only comment is that the real victims are the children.
    I cannot stress this enough, but if the wife has decided to stand by him, SHE IS NOT A VICTIM, but she is victimizing her children a second time by 1, teaching them that what he did was not wrong enough to protect them from him, and 2, teaching them that that they are not worth more to her than her pedophile husband. What kind of upbringing is that?
    I once had the arguement that gays are the same as pedophiles because they are both outside the norm, all of which is fine when you can’t help who you are attracted to, but where the wrongdoing comes in is when you act on it. Gays are only different in that they are having intercourse with other consenting adults. Pedophiles are having intercourse with children, who cannot give consent, at which time, they have committed a crime. The point being that you can’t help who you are attracted to, but you can help what your actions are afterwards, victimizing a child can never be condoned in any formd.
    That’s what my head says. My mother’s heart says, fuck them all and put them on a desert island, never to be seen again.

  6. Comment by pete | 04/30/07 at 1:24 pm

    Waste of an island.

  7. Comment by Trina | 04/30/07 at 3:08 pm

    I think this is an ugly story didn’t properly prepare me for the ending. I am feeling sick to my stomach. That is the worst thing about pedophiles, they are tricky and make you think that they are nice and normal. That is part of the “grooming” process. He should be castrated and shot. That is an unforgiveable thing that he did. Those poor little girls.

  8. Comment by Anonymous | 04/30/07 at 3:19 pm

    The world is full of fucked up people. I believe about half of the kids I knew in high school had admitted to me that they were either raped or molested. My brother and four of the five women I’ve been involved with in my life are among them. (I don’t know about the other one) It sucks, but we can’t ever really stop it. We can only punish the ones we find. Life goes on for the victims. They have to grow up and heal over time. You are right, it is an ugly part of humanity, but the guys in white hats still exist. They are the ones who are there for their children and do their very best to raise them well in a safe home. At least the Feds caught this one. That’s one thing the government did right today. (not really today, but you know what I mean)

  9. Comment by R Wayne | 05/01/07 at 2:19 am

    One thing I’ve noticed is that the responses to your writing are often as thoughtful and intelligent as your entries are in the first place. Not this time. You’ve told a story that has evoked knee-jerk condemnation, ugly in its own right. Lynch mob mentality is usually based, I think, on suppressed fear. In this case, fear that the violation you described could find a home in readers’ own happy homes. Or, worse, in readers themselves. No time for thoughtful sensitivity. This is an issue to be met head on, it seems, without any wondering why the evil thrives; enjoy the self satisfaction of redneck reaction. Quite out of character, I think, on the back nine.

  10. Jan
    Comment by Jan | 05/01/07 at 6:27 am

    I have often thought that you never really know people. Never really know what is going on inside their heads or in their lives. Several times, I have been astonished when I find out that someone is going through some horrible turmoil but those of us who knew them, had no idea. Really? She is? I had no idea. It’s strange to think that you never really know people. Or the evil they are capable of. It’s sad and kind of terrifying.

  11. Comment by Jeanette | 05/01/07 at 8:36 am

    I agree with Trina. People who abuse innocents, animals included, are the lowest of the low and deserve to be taken out of society forever. And shame on his wife for standing by him.

  12. Comment by pete | 05/01/07 at 10:36 am

    R Wayne, sorry, but if someone want to fuck with my children I will inflict the maximum damage possible on that person. If you want to call me a ‘redneck’ I accept that label. The question I have is what label do you put on the person who wouldn’t? Some actions in life dictate a proportional response. Some demand a response that would guarantee that action never happens again. Also, it’s not a suppressed fear but a real fear that there are people in this world that think nothing of destroying a life for their own satisfaction.

  13. Comment by Jaime | 05/01/07 at 1:48 pm

    That is absolutely unforgivable. There are good people out there though – now you’re free to cast your business net again to see if you manage to catch one this time.

    Good luck

  14. Comment by Donna Brubach | 05/01/07 at 7:10 pm

    R Wayne:
    What do you want from us? Should we say poor man, he’s obviously mentally ill and needs help? Should we say, I think that with help he can be a productive member of society again, and would never ever ever do anything bad to a child again? Should we say poor woman, she deserves all the credit in the world to stand by her man while he gets this help? Should we take the attitude that his daughters will get over it as soon as their loving father gets the help he needs and gets out of prison and can come back home? After all, they are just children and will forget about it right? Right?
    I am so sorry that I just can’t bring myself to feel that way for you. There are just some things that cannot be forgiven, and molesting children, not to mention your OWN children is one of them.
    This is the bottom line. If you see a rabid dog, and granted it didn’t get rabies because it wanted to, this was NOT the dog’s choice to be rabid, but it is. Now our rabid dog has bitten some people, and once you have rabies, there is no cure. Do you put him down so that he can’t bite anyone else, or do you chain him up and take the chance that someone might wander by it that it could bite? Or do you put it down for good and not take that chance again? Ever?
    R Wayne, I’m sorry if this is a knee jerk redneck reaction. But you have to realize that there are just some things that cannot be forgiven. Fucking your own child is one of them, and I don’t care how redneck that is, if it weren’t imprinted in our dna to protect our children, none of us would have survived…..

  15. Comment by R Wayne | 05/02/07 at 9:41 am

    I think Anonymous offered the most intelligent comment here. The guys/gals in white hats are not the ones who want to harm pedophiles. They’re the ones who, as a matter of course, work to provide a comfortable and secure environment for their children characterized by understanding, open communications and full-time interest — without waiting for offspring to have been threatened or harmed in order to “respond.

  16. Comment by Steve | 05/02/07 at 10:42 am

    It’s a brutal world. Bad things happen to good people. The best WE can do, while some are sympathizing and carrying signs and trying to understand what makes some people do such things, is to make damn sure the son-of-bitch never does it again. And that doesn’t mean a prison sentence, with us paying 30, 60 or 70 whatever it is thousand dollars a year to keep him alive and rehabilitate him, so that the possibility exists that he will get out and do it again. Take care of him for the cost of a bullet and use the money to help the kids he brutalized. Money well spent in both cases.

  17. Comment by Donna | 05/02/07 at 12:49 pm

    Steve, my point exactly.
    And R Wayne, it’s all fine and good to have that kind of relationship with your children. It’s all fine to teach them to tell. It’s all fine to be on top of every single thing that they do and feel and say. And providing a comfortable and safe environment? Unless you are with your child 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, there will be times that your child has to be with someone else or alone.
    I’m sure the mother in Linda’s story thought that that was EXACTLY where her daughters were. They were after all, with their father. And who would EVER think that their father would do that to them huh? How often are you left alone with your children? How often do you leave them with their mother? Day care so you could work? At school? Church? Sports? And you’ve responded already exactly how? Are you staying home with them? Homeschooling? No sports, church, extra curricular activities? And what about your family? Are they allowed to be alone with them? And what happens to the infants who don’t have the words for what daddy is doing to them when he changes their diaper?
    Short of putting your kids in suspended animation, (always my fondest wish when they hit their teens) you cannot protect them or provide an environment that is safe for them from a pedophile. It is impossible. Do you know that the statistics are that a pedophile that is caught has -on the average- molested something like 150 children before they are caught? And the recidivism rate is like 98%, and that is WITH treatment. So yeah, redneck response? Hurt me some more.

  18. Comment by Donna | 05/02/07 at 12:58 pm

    And R Wayne: You said and I quote, “You’ve told a story that has evoked knee-jerk condemnation, ugly in its own right. Lynch mob mentality is usually based, I think, on suppressed fear. In this case, fear that the violation you described could find a home in readers’ own happy homes.”

    Yeah, I am afraid of that. I don’t want my children to ever have to deal with that. Knee jerk condemnation? What else should there be? Levels of condemnation? He only used his finger not his penis so he only should be jail for a year instead of more?
    He’s really sorry (he got caught) so he’s promised he won’t ever do it again?
    He was just showing his love for his daughters even though it was misguided?
    My fear is totally not supressed. My fear is right the fuck out there, just like I would fear a rabid dog, (to use my own analogy again.)
    My fear is that people like you who, in trying to find out WHY someone would do this, would blind themselves to the possibility that it would happen again. I don’t need to know why, most pedophiles themselves don’t know why. I need to know how to stop it. And I have a pretty good grip on that already.

  19. MRW
    Comment by MRW | 05/16/07 at 9:49 am

    Sing it Pete. My other issue with pedofiles is that their redecidivist rates are very high. They are not likely to be reformed, changed or to be able to stop sexually abusing kids. They are broken and unlike many other criminals, not generally able to be repaired or rehabilitated. Accordingly, they can either stay in prison or get put someplace where there are no kids. I swear, I’m generally a knee jerk liberal, but when it comes to people doing horrible things like this to children, I’m done.

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