We’re on the ocean somewhere between Lahaina and Vancouver. This is the part of a cruise that many hate … the part that Carnival relentlessly calls Fun Days at Sea. As far as I’m concerned, how much fun is entirely up to the ocean now – will she be the old gray widow-maker or the beautiful bounding main?

 I adore sitting on deck and watching the water go by. Writing a bit of this, reading a bit of that, watching the bizarre habits of oldsters at play. If you are the type who craves more active entertainment, these days can feel endless. But to help pass the time, Carnival has many plans for the day: 

• The knobbiest knees contest
• The hairiest chest contest (I imagine this one is only for the men folk)
• Aussie trivia. Go figure.
• The Guest Talent Show (out of two thousand people they couldn’t find six who considered themselves talented so it has been cancelled. Trust me, if the prize had been good enough, we would have entered as the Singing Sisters. As long as Linda isn’t aboard to humiliate, her mother and I would certainly give it a go).

Of course, as on all days, you can gamble, drink and souvenir shop yourself into the poor house any time you choose.

***

Sis won 500 free minutes of internet time—on this particular cruise they would have charged $200 for that. No kidding. However, it is not actually working most of the time … something about satellites and galaxies. Nonetheless, she is running her eBay business on shipboard at no cost. She is very happy.

***

On the Lido deck, I overheard two men discussing their wives:

ALFREDO: Ah! She makes me crazy.

ENRICO: Don’t even suggest we’ll ever understand women.

ALFREDO: But we like how they look.

ENRICO: Everything’s a compromise.

***

Speaking of Twin Peaks: I’m not one to dwell on other peoples’ figure flaws. But this ship is laden with the most startling collection of outsized breasts I have ever seen. Easy gents, this is not a good thing in that most of them are rocking around under XXL t-shirts imprinted with pleasantries like “I’d do me” or “Still on the hill.” On the mainland, these women would cinch themselves into brassieres with the fortitude of straight jackets. But let ‘em loose on a cruise ship and these same ladies, well, really let ‘em loose. Think of your granny bursting free and you’ll get the idea.

I guess we’re all just island maidens at heart. Excuse me while I go remove an undergarment before bingo.